MY HEART by Her

TW: Sexual abuse and church

My heart aches. My heart is burdened.

I look around and see so much hurt. So much of it caused by religion. So many memoirs, podcasts, and things in the news these days of people finally finding their voice. And while I am so proud of them for finding that voice and choosing another way, my heart aches for them.

I see it in the group of exvangelicals I’m apart of both on Facebook and on a Discord chat. So many people who have been harmed by the church, Christians, God, and religion. Families who are gaslighting and manipulating them, or who have outright rejected them. Women healing from years of dealing with sexual abuse only to be told it was their fault when they got the courage to come forward. Spouses who are trying to control their spouse into believing like they do. And even just the sheer amount of shit that is stirred up when deconstructing from fundamentalist or evangelical religion and/or purity culture. It’s wrong. It’s sad and it’s wrong.

I want to change it. But I don’t know how. I’m not sure what can be done. I know the amount of people speaking up and speaking out are helping tremendously. I just want to take it all away. Take the pain all away and make sure that no one else ever goes through that hurt ever again but I know that that is impossible. I guess the only answer is to speak out and to be there with open arms when they stumble out rejected and broken like we were.

My heart aches for the little girl being told that she is less than. The little girl that is being told that she was abused because of what she was wearing and that it was her fault. The child undergoing abuse at home and then putting on a fake smile in church on Sunday morning pretending like it’s all ok. It’s not ok. My heart aches for all the bullshit that goes on that everyone in those circles tries to pretend is normal. It’s not and it’s not ok.

My heart goes out to Anna Duggar who has been taught she does not have a voice. That she is less than. That her only worth is found in her scumbag husband.

My heart goes out to my mother-in-law, who has dealt with anxiety and depression and instead of getting the help she needs, sinks further down because she has been told that the answer can be found in a church. The same one that she was later assaulted in only resulting in more damage.

My heart goes out to the little girl in me. The little girl who was never fully able to just be a little girl and take pride in being a girl. The little girl who was abused by people she trusted most in places she was told was the safest.

My heart aches.

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