Rocking for Jesus

It’s odd listening to music from my teen years. Bands like Flyleaf, Skillet, Pillar, and Thousand Foot Krutch were my “rebellious music” I listened to in high school.

But I took a listen back now, and the topics and themes are really quite similar to the message I was getting in my church. I was listening to Memento Mori by Flyleaf one of the few albums I was allowed to buy. Flyleaf’s song “Again” raised some huge red flags as I listened to it. For context, this is song is written from god’s point of view.

‘Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want to you to be again
I love you, please see and believe again”

Flyleaf “Again” from Memento Mori

I may have stressed this point before in the past, but no deity should ever want you to be broken or brought to your lowest point. God or any other divine being should not have to resort to this manipulative tactic to bring you closer to him.

Though I truly feel like this sense of brokenness and worthlessness is often repeated in Christian media. I heard this directly in sermons then indirectly in Christian media. Though my parents were general less than pleased to hear anything outside of tradition CCM played in their children’s rooms, and while it may have been a bit too “worldly” for them the message repeated was still the same.

You are worthless, sinful, and disobedient. Your wickedness and disobedience has forced god to sacrifice his son Jesus for you. Only in worship and obedience to god can you become (in Lacey Sturm’s words on “Treasure”) a “dazzling precious treasure.”

I fully bought this lie. Singing along about my fallen nature, and begging god to take my wickedness from me. (All the sin that a straight edged fundie teen can commit that is.)

I cant do this by myself
I cant do this
I cant do this

Oh God, I need Your help

Plumb “I Can’t Do This”

I made this my moto. I truthfully and fully asked the divine to take control of my life and to give me the strength to get through. I was broken and called out – just like I was told. Calling out over and over again to no answer.

When I reflect on any of these concepts and memories, I’m left with the thought that I was much stronger than I thought. And through MY strength and determination I made it through the lowest parts of my life. I didn’t need to reach out to a higher power – I had that strength already within myself.

Media that focus on the brokenness and wickedness of the listener is not something that should be focused on. And I would argue that it’s degrading and has a negative effect on the listener’s mental health. As someone that’s been fully integrated in those beliefs, no amount of messaging that “god loves you and has forgiven you” can negate those ingrained feelings of being constantly told you are a wicked and sinful person.