A Cry to God

These are all questions I have for god. I’m not making any doctrinal statements or trying to change anyone’s mind with this post. Just yelling at the void.

Are you present God? Why can’t I feel you? I’m told that I just BELIEVE hard enough or have enough faith I will really truly feel you. But I can’t. I’ve tried for over twenty years to force that feeling, but I can’t go on doing that anymore.

Where were you when I was hurting? Why wouldn’t you send the peace I asked for? Why didn’t you calm my fear? I was told that you would be there for me. That you would be my strength. I never felt that comfort. But I tried so hard. I prayed for hours for you to still my heart to give me peace.

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 27:1

When my anxiety froze me in place I tried so hard to repeat those verses I was told. But no comfort came no peace found it’s way to me. The only thing I felt was overwhelming panic and fear.

I read your promises, but I can’t feel them.

I can’t see them in the life your followers. I see only more pain inflicted on others. By the very people that claim to do it in your name. In the name of God – hate is propagated.

When I was at my lowest point. All alone in a woods with my shotgun and nothing but intrusive suicidal thoughts to keep me company. “Just end it.” “It won’t even hurt.” “Why not do it.” Where were you?

As I sunk deep into depression, where was your joy that I had been promised? That I prayed for and begged you for. I didn’t find it in your “word” the bible. Though I spent days and weeks looking for peace there.

Where is your sense of justice? I can’t see it, not in my life and not in the world. I see people crying out in pain to you. Begging you to take their addiction away. Only to see the very same people come in the next week from an overdose.

If you are all powerful then why would you take the life of child? Is it merciful and just to rob his family of their son. March 6, 2005 – August 6, 2015 Was that just? Was that all according to your “divine” plan.

“We were so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Our thought and prayers are with you all during this difficult time. You now have another Angel in Heaven with his grandma, Fern looking down upon all of you. God bless.”

10 y/o Obituary – Message was pulled from his online “guest book”- Addressed to the surviving family members

No amount of thoughts or prayers will ever ease that families’ pain or loss.

Why did you take my unborn children away? We had names, God – Jessie and Paxton. They would have had a home God. Love. Family.

What about my sister? Did you send that horrible injury to her? Or did you just step aside and let those blades slice open her head, chest, and face. I was told “it’s all in God’s hands” and “everything happens according to God’s plans” but I can’t accept those excuses any longer.

I desperately want to feel that faith and that closeness with you. But I only feel myself sliding further away from everything I was ever taught. Was it all lies? There were so many lies told to me in your name. And so many false defenses of your “word” that I find myself unable to accept almost anything in your holy book.

God if you are out there. You have a lot of explaining to do.