To my family. If you ever read this blog. I’m not trying to cause anyone further pain. I’m just trying to write out my own problems with the culture I grew up in.
I tried to follow the bible faithfully and continue the pattern set forth for me. I really tried to give it my all. I was 100% in. But I’ve been unable to find peace in my relationship with god.
As a child I gave god everything: my time, my thoughts, and my plans for the future. I would have considered myself saved. And I had prayed the sinners prayer more times than I can count.
After graduation, I attended four years of bible college. And I faithfully went to church for five years after that. I tried. I really did.
It’s not that I don’t know the bible. I’ve read and studied it for years. But I’ve also seen the ways the church uses the bible as a weapon. And at times preaches hate over love. I know that’s “not everyone” and I can “find a different church.” But evangelical culture seems to be systemically broken and hateful, at least in my opinion.
I’m sorry I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve changed my beliefs and have let go of the doctrine I used to believe in. As for what I currently believe, well, I really don’t know. And I think I’m honestly okay with that.
I find the words of Jesus to be appealing, but I don’t see him as a savior. Nor do I see myself as a sinner in need of repentance. The idea of original sin and the fallen nature of man has caused more pain than it has good in my life.
I used to think I needed to have all the answers. To be able to “give an answer to every man” but now I often move and re-evaluate my own beliefs and views. I think that trying to pin down whatever “god” is just diminishes the wonder and mystery.
“Let god be wild.
Let me be free.”Levi the Poet The Dark Night Of The Soul
I hold no hate towards you (my family). I’ve just moved on and become a different person. I hope you can accept me for who I am now.