Childhood Doubts

Did you have doubts as a kid?

Did you every have doubts in regards to your faith or church practices? As a child I had a very “solid” faith. (In all reality it was that I had no outside influence). And I pretty well fully trusted everything my family and church had to tell me about g-d and faith.

Any question I asked had a quick easily answered response. Looking back now I see the answers were trite and dismissive. My big question at Church camp one year was “Where did g-d come from?” And the simple answer I received was that he just always had existed. As a child this answer worked but now that statement just doesn’t hold up well.

Any statements around how g-d chooses to do something were just taken in blind faith. For instance, the flood was purely justified by simple statements on how the world had become a evil and sinful place. And how g-d needed to start anew.

Other religions were also dismissed with a wave of the hand. We had the correct faith and we knew this with 100% certainly. Anything that didn’t line up with church teachings was termed to be false.

As I became a teen though I began to have doubts around my faith, particularly my salvation. Salvation to an evangelical is the core of their faith. The very thing on which your eternal life hangs.

Also I was told my happiness and joy on earth now depended on my current position. On whether or not I was “really” saved. If I wasn’t saved then I was without joy or happiness. Or even a life purpose as I was told man’s only purpose was to worship and glorify god. That g-d would grant us peace and purpose in life.

The only problem was that I tried so hard to have that salvation, but I never felt that peace or clarity. I pray to god daily to accept me to forgive my wickedness, and to fully trust in him for any hope of salvation. I read my bible hoping I missed something that if I found it would allow me “true” salvation. I prayed the “sinners prayer” so many times. I cried and cried out to god and I never heard an answer.

Sample “sinner’s prayer”

The one time I publicly voiced my doubts I was ignored and left feeling like I was the only one having issues with my faith. I raise my hand when my sunday school teacher asked if we had any doubts in regards to our faith. All eyes turned to me, and the teacher gave a quick blurb about learning to trust g-d through all things. She or none of the students ever spoke with me again about my doubts. That day I learned that you can’t publicly doubt faith. Not without judgement from others.

So from that point on, I pretty well kept my question to myself. Assuming no one else had doubts. And it was my lack of faith that was keeping me from having peace with g-d. And that stuck with me for a long time; until I started looking into some of my questions online in my late 20s. I realized there are a ton of people that never felt that sensation of peace that was described; and who never, no matter how hard they tried, were able to hear the voice of g-d.

How were your questions responded to? If you had a similar experience feel free to leave a comment below or DM me (the forms in the contact page).

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