What do I fear? I fear the unknown and the uncontrolled. I desire stability and consistency in my life. I fear change.
I know now I have issues with anxiety. Real mental health issues, as my teenage self can attest. Recalling my teenage panic attack my mother brushed aside as a side affect of my asthma medications.
Or in college many times when I would try to function through multiple panic attacks during my nursing clinicals. Going the whole clinical day with heart palpitations, abdominal cramps, and tingling fingers. I would wake up at 3-4am and try to pray away my anxiety. Reading through through psalms that were suppose to help comfort me.
I’m just now starting to confront that anxiety. Admitting my problem to myself and to others. “I have anxiety, and it’s okay that I can’t handle it on my own.” And to actively work on lessening it through therapy and meds. Realizing no amount of prayer or scripture reading will help my anxiety.
I fear what other’s may think of me. Maybe I’m just too much of a people pleaser. But I’ve based so much of my life on what I think others will think of my actions.
I’ve blended into the Christian culture for so long. I for the most part have been able to bend my thoughts or plans according to the needs of those around me. And I honestly would have probably continue in that path if not for my wife.
She’s pushed me to move past my fear. And so many times pushed me out of my comfort zones.
I was scared to leave it. Scare of what my family may think. Afraid I would never find friends outside of the church.
I live and breathed fear during my time as an evangelical. But I’m learning to lean into that. To try not to run from fear but to embrace it.
I recently read a book by Brit Barron “Worth it.” In it she talks about how the thing we fear may be hard or difficult, but if we never try we will never change or grow as a person.
“It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to be a different person that you one you were ten minutes ago. The ground is shifting, and it’s okay to let it move you.”Brit Barron
“The playbook of humanity isn’t about arriving, only becoming, changing, and evolving. So take the risk, open your hands, and get ready to discover something new.”Brit Barron
“We fear change because of what we might lose or because of what relationships might shift, but the fact of the matter is, if your inner perspective or identity has already changed, then the train has already left the station and things are already different. You now have the choice to embrace that change or fight it. I’ll be honest with you – both options are hard. But one leaves you more whole. Choose that one.”Brit Barron
So yes, it will be hard. Nothing will ever change that. But it will be worth it to push into the unknown and find out what waits on the other side.