Choices

I can barely think of any life changes without experiencing anxiety. The type that shoves on your chest, twists your gut, and makes your heart race. Anything that would potentially introduce more unknowns. Part of me knows that I’ve let this shackle me to the life I live now and wants to try something new and unknown. And the other part of me just wants to sink into a routine for the rest of my life. Routine tells me that I’m safe, and everything is going to be okay. 

Do I reach out and embrace the chaos / the unpredictable? 

Can I do that without my anxiety crippling me? 

I’ve lived by the dictation of my anxiety for so long. I look back and see that I made so many life choices because of fear. Therapy and medication have helped, but they only dull the anxiety and slow my intrusive thoughts. 

I feel its claws in my chest daily.

I feel no escape. 

At this point in the past, I would have turned to a divine power to solve my problems. And while I feel that never really helped, it was at least another way to cope. “I” wouldn’t have to make the choice; it was really “god” leading me. However, I have come to realize I was just basing what “god” wanted for me based off of other’s expectations for me. Basing my life choices and decisions based on what my family or church expected me to do. 

I’ve deferred to others so often in the past, I struggle to find my own voice now. 

What do I want? 

And why do I fear that very question?