Casual Violence

CW: Discussion of death of pets / animals. Physical discipline. Violence towards children.

I recently visited my family again. Off to wish my sister well on her transition to college life, and to see my niece for the first time. While I visited was struck by the causal violence in the lives of my loved ones.

What do I mean by this? Part of it just has to do with rural living. Animals die and are killed often in this environment. Often the same can be said for pets that fit this lifestyle as well. My brother mentioned casually mentioned in conversation that he killed a cat yesterday (It was killing their chickens and had to go). A simple solution with little empathy for the animals involved. But events like this one I can recall happening often in my childhood. You quickly learn not to form deep attachments with animals or pets.

Another stark reminder of violence was seeing my father’s anger flair towards his grandchildren. While I know he cares deeply about them, he lashed out several times towards his grandchildren threatening them with physical discipline if the child did not obey immediately. This is behavior I saw often in my own childhood. However, it really feels harsh and violent after having been removed / distant from family dynamics for a year now.

Getting in a two-year old’s face and demanding complete obedience with the threat of physical punishment is not okay. Also, the casual nature of the event(s) was completely shocking to an outsider. Not a single soul batted an eye. Violence has been embedded in the lives of my nieces and nephews. And even shortly after this the 2 y/o showed affection back to my father after my father reminded the toddler that he cared deeply for him.

Flashbacks to spanking cycles anyone? The hug and “I love you” come right after the physical discipline. Just odd to see these same cycles repeat themself even a generation removed.

He also chose to throw a cup of water into a ditch and yell at my niece. (She was trying to bring him a cup of water and he wasn’t interested.) She was supposed to obey on the first command and leave him alone. Instead she kept returning with more water.

Once again, flashbacks to childhood. Instant obedience. “I will obey the first time I’m told.”

If anything, seeing my father act violently towards his pre-school / toddler age grandchildren has helped clarify for me that I made the right decision to remove myself from Michigan and start anew. My children deserve better. And they shouldn’t have to worry about their grandfather being physically violent towards them. I know he doesn’t intend to harm his grandchildren, but obviously they can’t understand that. And physical punishment is something that is a hard boundary for me. My children do not need physical discipline in their lives.

I had given my father far too much credit. I had seen him do better with my kids from ages 0-6, and I assumed he had left his anger / violence toward children in the past generation (his own kids). I was also willing to give a bit of softness towards my own memories of being scared of him as a child. Let go of memories of him lashing out at a moment’s notice with a sharp rap on the head. Or a sudden trip to the bedroom for a spanking. Maybe my fear of my father was just due to my anxiety and poor relationship with him growing up.

Yeah, f-ck that attitude. Violence and fear were a part of my childhood because of my parents. And it didn’t need to be. They could have stopped to question the teachings of Ezzo, Trip, Dobson, and the Pearls. Instead, they carried out the same violence their parents enacted on them and continued dysfunctional generational cycles. Something that obviously is still continuing to this day.

Violence of any type (especially towards the helpless) should not be a casual part of your life. I may not be perfect with this in my own life, and I didn’t start out with this point of view. But it’s something I’m trying to work on and embody in my own life and with my children.

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Postscript

I’m not going to go too far on a separate conversation, but I feel like this is why teaching children empathy is important. And why current right wing pushes against empathy / emotional learning in schooling are extremely concerning. ABS Toxic Empathy, Fox News and SEL, and SEL NPR