Smoke on the Horizon

Recently I visited Lake Erie. And while the lake was gorgeous, there was a slight haze over the lake due to the Canadian wildfires. On my walk tonight I could see the moon, but it was covered slightly by the clouds. I’m not one to seek omens, but I feel a sense of unease.

Someone in my family that I care for is moving toward reevaluating their gender, something that will bring them into conflict with their worldview and beliefs. Something that may rock my spouse’s family very deeply. And while that is not something they have decided on yet this looms over my family. It seems very clear as well as my “half in, half out” closeted position will be rapidly ripped out from under me if this does indeed happen. And while I’m not shy of my support about the queer community in my social media present or in person. My own status as part of the queer community is something I’ve long kept from my parents and my in-laws.

Gender is something that is completely off limits within fundamentalism. It isn’t something left up to the individual. In the world I grew up in GOD picks your gender.¹ Whatever the doc picks for you upon birth that is your god assigned gender the rest of your life regardless of lived experiences, personal feelings about gender, or changes you may go through throughout life. Everything within that world revolves around that gender and properly performing the roles assigned to that gender.

I think my Alma mater (Pensacola Christian College) is the perfect example there. Dress codes reflected gender women wore skirts, not pants, and had long hair. And men wore pants and had military style short haircuts. Women were docile, and men were the strong protectors. Men led and women were to serve silently. I could go on, but I feel like my blog is filled with examples of me exploring the topic.²

The college also goes out of their way to address gender specifically within the code of conduct. (This is a new change as they used to just include it broadly in “homosexual behavior.”)

Suffice to say, gender is not questioned. And your whole life from childhood onward is centered around your gender in a way that is even more accentuated than the world at large. And this is a VERY big deal to someone within a fundamentalist community. Anyone that doesn’t conform to traditional gender roles or expresses fluidity in their concept of gender will be immediately ostracized. And this is increased tenfold if the individual is outwardly or visibly queer.

I’ve attended my in-laws church and I’m fully aware how homophobic the church can be. This clip took minutes to find. “God’s going to judge you” if you are in a same sex relationship. https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkxq_qjmdEe1SIA4P3wpohZoT0NbYWi0xDF?si=ZwBUt5PE7aPx2kYR And their doctrinal page specifically goes out of their way to address trans / gender nonconforming folks.³

We believe that God designed the marriage union of life and have provided for intimate sexual relations exclusively between husband and wife within the bonds of marriage; sexual relations outside the bonds of marriage, including fornication, adultery, incest, sodomy, bestiality, among others alluded to in God’s Word, are a sin. We believe acts that defile God’s human creation, such as gender modification, through medical procedures or by appearance, and participation in the sexual degradation of others through pornography, are attacks against the family unit, are against the will of God, and are sins (Genesis 2:24; 19:5, 13; Leviticus 18:1-30; Romans 1:18-32; I Corinthians 6:6-10; 7:3-5; Hebrews 13:4; Ephesians 5:3-5; I Thessalonians 4:8).

I’ve also been present during a service at this church in which the pastor loudly condemned a local ordinance allowing for bathroom choice based on gender identity. The pastor took time to state that if anyone appeared to be using a bathroom they weren’t supposed to that any church member could speak with an usher and the individual would be removed from the restroom. Regardless of whatever the local laws may state. The church is clear. You don’t mess with gender. In their eyes God mandates a higher law of the land. And God’s law is above any law man could write.

I see all of this and my own experience within fundamentalism and see a world of pain ahead for my family member. I know there is hope for them beyond that point. But I know personally that acceptance is extremely conditional within a fundamentalist system.

Ironically me and my spouse moved to Ohio was because it seemed like her family was moving towards a more tolerate view of the world. We knew they would probably always exist within a conservative church, but they were slowly seeming like they could keep that world separate from their relationship with their daughter and her family. However, I feel like this will definitely tip the balance here. And my in-laws will be forced to side with their family or their fundamentalist church.⁴

Personally, I’m done siding with any church. And I’ve seen more often than not faith be used to break someone down. No church or any religious belief is worth losing your family over. But my in-laws will have to choose that for themselves.

I’ve spoken with my spouse extensively about this. Obviously, this would affect our direct family. Drastically alter how my in-laws interact with us. And it would potentially even my relationship with my family as well, as my in-laws still have contact with my parents.

A haze obscures what may happen. For now, there is a false sense of tranquility. Like my cover photo for this post, from a distance, it’s a normal tranquil picture of one of the great lakes. But on close inspection something is off and a fire burns in the distance.

1. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” ↩︎
2. The Man Box Marriage ↩︎
3. I truly hate how queer identity and sexuality is classified right alongside abhorrent behavior like bestiality and incest. ↩︎
4. I voice it that way because I’ve found many different Christian perspectives regarding queer theology. If my in-laws wanted to, they could also find a supportive and affirming church and theology. (I do acknowledge that changing your mind on theology is not easy or painless. But it is possible.) I’m not arguing that they forsake their faith. Just that they can find beliefs that would allow them both a place of worship and to also affirm their family member. ↩︎