Blindsided

“They wear a blindfold to bury the past”

I think I’m slowly having to face the fact that my distance from my family very well may be a permanent thing. l truly hadn’t intended it to be forever. I knew physical distance was going to limit contact, but I had never started with the intention of never speaking or visiting with my family. But I’ve found over and over again that my family really struggles to maintain boundaries in any sense of the word. All while refusing to engage with any conversation that could be difficult or be perceived as confrontational.

Every time I’ve brought up a reason why I am uncomfortable around a specific situation or person that topic will be ignored. I’ve been in one-on-one situations with my brother where I have tried to have conversations with him about why I am uncomfortable around dad. (Mainly due to his physical and emotional abuse of children). And my brother will quite literally not say or do a single thing to show affirmation or disagreement. Just dead silence. There is no conversation to be had. Even disagreement, there is not a single hint of the possibility of discussion.

When I’ve directly talked with my mom last year about my reservations around visiting her only response was that everyone is uncomfortable when they visit family. And it’s just something that we have to endure. The tone was very much, nothing is ever going to change just get it over with and come visit. Every problem or abusive behavior was excused “That’s just how ‘x’ is. He is never going to change.”

However, my mother cannot connect my continued complaints around with abusive behavior that occurred in the past and the present with my unwillingness to visit. Despite very clear declarations from my side on why I didn’t wish to visit.

It’s been impossible to have any groundwork for a conversation or meeting when the only strategy to do so completely ignores any conversation around anything difficult. And I truly wish this was just a single sibling or parent, but everyone within my immediate family has no intention of every trying to find some conversation about the “why” around someone possibly being uncomfortable at a family gathering. I truly don’t expect perfection nor honestly am I even of the opinion that I’m going to change anyone’s minds. But I would ask that a small amount of respect be offered.

And it doesn’t matter what the topic is as soon as anything turns serious this is the exact manner in which my family will “deal” with it. By just ignoring it till everyone returns to some sense of normalcy and everyone stops bringing it up. Historically this is how they’ve dealt with the death of a family friend and the severe accident my sister went through as a toddler. Everyone knows not to bring it up. It’s over, done, and there is no sense talking about it.

But it’s beyond frustrating when I’ve brought up things that are deeply important to me, and it has been widely ignored. I wrote recently about coming out to my family…that’s exactly how they treated it. Just ignore it and everyone can return to their lives. Not a single one of my siblings or parents reached out to talk with me on a personal level about it. I know they disagree with my gender identity. But right now, silence stings more than disagreement or words of admonishment.

My youngest sister recently offered to stop by our place around the holidays. I was deeply tempted to take her up on it. But I wanted to lay out some expectations ahead of time. I’ve tried to talk to her before about witnessing to my kids. And how I feel completely uncomfortable with her doing so. That and keeping medical information about my kids private from my mom and other siblings (That my oldest has autism, and my son has been having issues with seizures). Instead of engaging in any conversation about it, she chose to wish me a happy holiday and imply she won’t be visiting. The whole time ignoring any part of the previous conversation.

In years past I’ve tried to message her before about pushing religious concepts onto my children. My oldest in particular was having very compulsive thoughts around death and dying. They were all related to evangelical concepts of heaven or the rapture. They also had fears around their parents “not being able to go to heaven.” And I asked my mom to speak with my youngest sister about witnessing to my children. My mother denied anything was happening and stated that my oldest was getting their fear of the afterlife from their two hour thrice weekly preschool visits. We knew that wasn’t the case but dropped it then. Several months later I brought it up a second time to my mom and asked her to intervene, giving my personal reasons and my childhood anxiety around religion but my pleas were ignored then as well. The final time and when I directly included my sister in the conversation was when the obsessions flared up again though this time it was specific theology around “sin” and expressing that disobedience equals sin. And god hates when we sin and disobey authority. The infraction that evoked this response was running up a slide with shoes on. Mind you my oldest would have been in kindergarten at the time. That was developmentally appropriate behavior. Just correct the child and move on. No need to relay this to the child as an infraction against an all mighty and all knowing deity.

We weren’t attending church at this time and my oldest had no other religious figures in their life. And they were quite old enough to tell us who had been teaching them about sin, heaven, young earth theology, and the rapture. I directly messaged both my mom and my sister about it (the two people named by my child as teaching this theology). Receiving a response from neither of them. Me and my spouse chose to slowly try to take on as much responsibility for childcare as we could possibly accommodate. And limiting contact as much as possible. It was also very clear that anytime my children we were physically present around my family they were going to be constantly receiving a stream of fundamentalist rhetoric. Every one of my family members that were confronted about it refused to lessen their rhetoric.

My family also is intentionally very self-isolated. Me and my siblings grew up on a curated list mostly strict fundamentalist movies and books. Especially during my early childhood every piece of media that was put before me advanced a very specific agenda. Every child’s book was screen, every movie, and certainly every show we watched. This has changed slightly as my parents have internet now. But every piece of literature and entertainment in my family’s house revolves around teaching children to be proper and obedient daughters and sons of god. Me and my spouse would send alternatives to this media for our children, but they would never be used. In every sense of the word my children were being told that they were rotten sinners deserving of god’s judgement¹ and that their parents were also sinners and probably not going to heaven one day.² And, yes, my children believed that as they were being told this by trusted adults in their lives.

All that to say, my personal trust around my youngest sibling is a bit eroded. My youngest sister is perhaps the most zealous out of all of us. And she is a person that their very life revolves around bringing god into the conversation as much as possible. “Look at that cute baby chick. God formed that chick when it was still in the egg. Just as he did with you when you were in you mom’s tummy.”³ Even after my last visit a year ago my son was asking about how Jesus created the world. And I truly tried not to leave my sister alone with my children.

While I know her religion and beliefs are deeply important to her. She cannot continue to cross those boundaries. I know she believes my kids are going to suffer in hell for all eternity, but that is something she believes. She will have to carry that with her. It is not my responsibility to ease that guilt or fear for her. But she cannot let that guilt and fear override her sibling’s wishes. And I know I do not wish to burden my autistic child with worries about some potential afterlife. They do not need more fear in their own life, and they have enough struggles already without trying to navigate deep philosophical theoretical.

It’s all extremely frustrating. I know my family wishes to make contact and to have us over for Christmas. But I also personally cannot just go and pretend everything is fine. I’m not going to listen to my dad berate and belittle my mom over some nonsense that truly isn’t important. Or see him threaten my nieces and nephews with physical violence. Also I don’t want to hear a ton of snide remarks about my hair or other gendered social cues without an ounce of acknowledgement of my queer identity and or my chosen name. Sitting through another family back and forth about litter boxes for furies in public school. Yes, that was a real conversation my aunt and mother had. And, yes, I did hold my tongue during this conversation.

Also, if my younger siblings do truly want to visit. I’m open to that. But they have to be willing to keep a few boundaries. And I don’t wish my mom and my older siblings to be caught up in conspiracy theories around my children’s health. And I don’t want my kids indoctrinated during the visit especially behind my back….I really don’t think either one of those things were a huge ask. But the non-conversation that my family uses to “communicate” leaves anything serious to just be ignored.

PS: Lyric credits for subtitle quote. “Vesper Light” by Thrice

1. My father makes frequent comments on baby’s behaviors within our family. Often commenting on how babies are just “little sinners.” Their tantrums and unwarranted cries prove as much. ↩︎
2. My oldest was making independent comments that their mom and dad wouldn’t be with them when they went to heaven. It’s easy to draw a clear line and state that someone was telling them that their parents were “unsaved” and wouldn’t be allowed into heaven. ↩︎
3. A more realistic sentence was echoed by my children two years ago on a walk in the woods. “Look at that big rock in the woods, Noah’s flood must have pushed it there.” ↩︎