HOLY PARENTIFICATION, BATMAN!

Now that that’s out of my system. I just need to vent about parentification and the quiverfull movement for a hot second. I know last post was mostly about mental health and abusive relationship. But parentification is also something that haunts and harms kids within fundamentalist systems.

I recently visited my grandma in the hospital and during that trip I briefly visited my siblings and parents. During my two-hour visit, I was slapped in the face by how much responsibility the eldest daughters in my family have had to take on.

My seven-year-old niece is cooking for her siblings, changing them, and soothing them when they are distressed. She has three other siblings and all of them are younger than her (with the youngest being one year old). All of this information was clearly presently to me as a good and appropriate thing for her to do. After my sister bragged to my SIL about her daughter changing her sister’s diaper, her mother praised her stating she was a wonderful woman.

THIS IS A CHILD. I HAVE A CHILD THAT IS THE EXACT SAME AGE. LET YOUR CHILD BE A KID FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I always knew she’d have more responsibility as a AFAB individual born first in the family. But it’s haunting to see just exactly how much responsibility has been placed at her feet while she is so young. A seven-year-old should not be waking up at 0700 to cook her sibling’s breakfast and make sure they are fed. A seven-year-old should not be responsible for soothing and caring for her one-year-old sibling.

I’ve written before about gender roles and how within fundamentalist christian homes. And the extreme gender roles and expectations that are placed upon the children. A young AFAB child is often viewed only within the roles she will be expected to take on one day as a mother and wife.

This is how “Beautiful Girlhood” plays out within a home. Forcing more and more responsibilities onto your young daughters because this is god’s role for them one day. Where play is only a tool to teach and mold her into her eventual role as a stay-at-home mother and caretaker.

Even within my own childhood. I have a lot of strong feelings about parentification. My mother was deeply depressed and dealing with suicidal ideation. During that time, she was very much unable to give my youngest brother the care as love he needed as an infant. And much of that responsibility fell to me (despite me being AMAB).

I have a lot of memories of caring for him both emotionally and physically. And while I know my mom carried much of the labor I still should not have had this responsibility. I should have been figuring out my life and who I was as a person instead of caring for my sibling.

Pronatalism or quiverfull ideas place a lot of pressure and emphasis on having children. It’s the after part that isn’t exactly thought out well. Within many quiverfull circles, any outside pushback on making sure kids have the emotional, physical, and financial support they need is considered to be temptations from the “the devil.” “The devil” is just trying to get you to “give into fear.” God himself will give you everything you need to care for your children. You just need to trust him.

Unfortunately, in my personal experience the “provision” from god often comes in the form of finding increasing ways to stretch your budget, physical limits, and emotional capabilities. And the wives and AFAB children within the quiverfull movement are often the ones that carry that additional labor needed in order to make ends meet.

I so wish this movement would end. It has harmed so many children and women. And it deeply pains me to see this continue within my own family and with my nieces.

I’d encourage anyone interested hearing more to check out the “Kitchen Table Cult Podcast” many of their earlier episodes discuss the roles they were forced to play as AFAB children within fundamentalist homes.

PS: Parentification | Psychology Today (Basic definition if anyone is unfamiliar with the concept of Parentification)