End of Year Look Back

Discussing: “The Sound of Gravel” and “Homeschooled”

CW for non-detailed mentions of SA.

I’ve been struggling to write an end of year post. It’s the time to look back; isn’t it? But honestly the last year has been pretty rough. My spouse and I have been running all last year to try to get our kids the medical care they need. And we’ve been fighting with the school district for most of it to get our children properly accommodated. It’s been a rough year. One that has taken a lot of energy from both me and my spouse.

I’ve also been dealing with some end of year dread and depression. But such is life in winter in the Midwest; S.A.D. seems to strike me hard every year. It could just be the seasonal depression, maybe it’s the emotions that come with the holidays. But I’ve I’ve had three thoughts main thoughts that I did want to close the year on.

The thought that I’ve also looked back and seen the dysfunction (particularly the abuse). And it is indeed why I have left my home and my faith. (This thought was sponsored by The Sound of Gravel Ruth Wariner)

The author grew up within a fundamentalist Mormon cult. Far cry from my own upbringing. But the religious justification for abuse uses the exact same scriptures I heard recited by my own community. By the college and church I attended. That in order to move on the VICTIM must be the one to find forgiveness. The victim must forgive each transgression no matter how foul.

I know this was the exact thing my mother personally went through. She was sat down, right next to her abuser, and she was told to forgive him. No accountability was presented for her abuser, and he was allowed to keep his transgressions private. Not even his wife was notified. And when other victims stepped forward my mom was told to drop the matter and that she needed to remember that the event was forgiven and forgotten. ¹

And while my mom fully believes the theology used to justify this. I’ve held so much rage in my heart about it. The church’s lack of action not once but twice regarding this man led eventually to abuse of his own grandkids. The church could have stopped this man by reporting his sexual abuse and standing alongside their female congregants decades before he was eventually legally prosecuted for SA against his own family.

I watched my mom further spiral out while she was dealing with the fallout of this. My father nowhere to be found (he wasn’t ever truly an emotional support for my mom). And mom’s social net falling apart as the church turned on her for “not forgiving” her abuser.

The system is broken and it does not work. I’ve seen my mom’s conviction that her faith would be the source of her strength. That her faith community would be the ones to be there for her. But I’ve heard repeated stories from my mom about how her community has failed to protect and be there for her when she needed it the most.

The thought that I will watch my mom die in this dysfunction one day. Without any evidence that she may ever change or better her life in any way. (Brought to you [me] by Homeschooled: A Memoir Stefan Merrill Block)

Within the book the author describes a traumatized mother. Desperate for love and connection and yet scarred of the broader world. She tries to find that connection and support from her children and later from another surrogate child. However, it’s clear nothing about her relationships with her children is healthy. Later in life she leans into conspiracies and anti-medical delusions.

While the mother’s obsession with refusing to let her kids grow up is foreign to my own experience. The way the author describes a struggling mother that is loosing her personal battle with mental health is extremely similar to my own upbringing. I know my mom dealt with deep depression related to trauma in her life, not dissimilar at all to the mother mentioned within the book. And I believe much of my mother’s distrust in the world as a whole is easily traced back to the harm and sexual abuse she has been dealt.

The author’s mother dies from lung cancer and complications of her alcoholism. In the book the author states that much of her distrust in psychiatric and medical care contributed to her downfall. I’m distantly watching the same within my own mother. While I doubt she is an alcoholic my mother has her own vices. The most visible of this being the ever present sea of hoarding within my family’s home. I know from medical experience that this is often more of a symptom then the actual main issue, but I also know that my mother will never seek mental health care. Her focus on medical conspiracies also heavily constrict any possibility that she will ever find treatment.

I don’t know the exacts but I know my mom dealt with sexual assault twice in her college years. I know the way she tells the story her “psych professor hated her” and pushed her out of her nursing career. I doubt that’s all there is to it as I personally have seen how much someone’s mental health can be crushed by something like sexual assault. My mom’s mentioned enough that I can see that she didn’t have much support at home while she was dealing with this trauma either.

I don’t believe she ever truly recovered. And she’s refused to accept the fact that she needs help. I’ve seen some of my mom’s writings and she once wrote that she wished to die every single day. But that she also couldn’t stomach the idea of being placed on pills. These thoughts were listed side by side. Both somewhat acknowledging a problem; but only listing prayer, faith, and scripture as a solution further on within the same writing.

Mom spent hours on the phone with others (exactly like Stefan’s mother) trying to solve her loneliness. It also was a continuous argument between my father and mother. And I recall at least a few times my father ripping the phone cord from the wall. Even those friendships though she struggled to maintain, and I believe she’s lost contact with most of her friends and family. Also her attempts at curing her depression often were faith focused and she spent hours locked in her room praying and reading her bible. Though I expect that was also the one time she was able to escape the chaos of raising six kids.

The thought that this endless cycle of abuse and disfunction will repeat itself with my siblings and then their children as well. (Today’s program was supported by [Multiple Years of Observation by NJ McConnachie])

This has played out continually. With most recently it being clear my oldest sister has quickly become the family linchpin. Despite her own issues with her own husband, she quietly seems to have accepted her fate. Becoming the submissive wife she was always taught to be. Caring the emotional labor of dealing with my mother, her own rocky marriage, and helping my SIL raise her kids. She’s carrying it all on her back without anyone there to support or help her raise her own kids.

The same emotional, educational, and medical neglect that was throughout my own childhood continues on with all of my nieces and nephews. And they will have to navigate their lives playing catch up as they grow. With many of them having clear neurodivergence they will have to reckon with as well.

I knows it’s probably not best to close out the year listening to autobiographies of abuse survivors. But hell, it sure fits the seasonal mood. And I’m always curious to hear other’s perspectives. How did they survive? How did they escape? In both of the memoirs listed (my fictional book was purely sarcastic) they both escape in some way after a sudden and unexpected death. Fawning throughout most of their lives to survive but leaving (or pushing back) when it became clear that there would never be an escape if they didn’t make one for themselves.

I know that I’ve personally found that if I wait for something to change it’s not going to fix itself. No one is coming to save or rescue me. It’s very clear abuse and trauma make it hard to just survive day to day. And often past abuse and trauma can keep us stuck within abusive situations. I spent two and a half decades fawning (freezing and complying) when faced with difficult choices or confrontations. But the only positive changes in my life have occurred when I removed myself from those abusive cycles.

Looking back two and a half years in a new state, I’m glad I did make that step away. My kids would have never gotten the care they needed in the town we lived in. It was hard, but I think at least for me and my family the choice to step away was a necessary once. It may not have been as exciting as Ruth Wariner’s escape to the US from her FLDS cult. But in a way the effects were similar. Her younger siblings were able to create a life for themselves outside of the influence and abuse of their father. And hopefully Ohio can be the same for my children. Whether they realize it now or not hopefully they can have a healthier life away from the influence of my own family.

If it’s not clear, I highly recommend both books. The Sound of Gravel by Ruth Wariner and Homeschooled: A Memoir by Stefan Merrill Block. And I especially recommend anyone dealing with homeschool educational neglect to pick up “Homeschooled.”

1. https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/a-minnesota-church-told-kids-to-hug? If anyone is curious as to the religious elements of why this is justified in the Christian mind. This post and details of the story mirror the theology that my childhood church used to blame the victims. ↩︎