"Inverting" Gender

“Happy Pride Month” from a homophobic family member

CW: Homophobic language, conspiracies, and discussion of gore / death (animal).

Yesterday I woke up to a text from my father.

The practice of “inverting” a child’s sex is a SATANIC RITUAL element within the occult.

No context. No more information or any conversation after that. Just that message and nothing more. I messaged asking for further context or to try to spark further conversation. However, that message was ignored.

I have so many feelings about this. Much of my initial feeling was fear and shame. My mind still defaults towards trying to placate my family. Conform to their ideas of how I should act and how my family should live. Then the anger set in.

I realized that my mother-in-law had recently posted a birthday post for me. Including my preferred name N.J. over my birth name on the cake.1 Some pictures show my daughter’s hair cut short.2 And my long hair and earrings are probably showing in the pictures.

When you grow up in fundamentalism you aren’t allowed to move outside of very strict ideas on what gender and gender expression should look like. People who are AMAB3 are told to express their gender in aggression, toughness, and through physical prowess. AFAB4 individuals are assigned to be caretakers, nurturers, and gentle above all.

I’ve written before on Vision forum, and I think they encapsulate this idea quite well. Men wave about swords and defend their sisters. They go down with the titanic as noble sacrifices. Women are graceful, stay pure, and learn how to be mothers and stay at home daughters. They help their mothers in the home and assist with their siblings.

What if you don’t fit that mold? I can only speak for myself here not others. But I often would feel belittled for anything perceived as feminine in my attributes or demeanor. Can’t kill that deer while it looks at you in pain – “you must be a sissy.” The masculinity I was raised in was brash, strong, and careless. Grab that gun and be a man. Gut that fucking deer. Look at this gutted squirrel; here’s the testicles.5 “Men don’t cry.” Get up, dust yourself off, and get over it.

The parts of me that didn’t fit that mold were shoved down. My unwanted tears were stuffed deep down.6 Men don’t cry. Men stand strong and protect. They are not to cower in fear and anxiety – “Act like a MAN goddammit.” Men don’t show they are in pain. “You’re fine.” Men don’t change diapers and care for their children and siblings – that’s a woman’s job. Men don’t wear makeup and nail polish. Men aren’t sensitive to the world, sensations, and sounds around them. Men don’t cower and clap their hands over their ears instead of shooting towards the geese overhead.7

What do you do with those feelings of never quite feeling like you fit in? What do you do when ridged ideas about identity no longer seem to fit with where you are and what you feel?8

Since leaving fundamentalism I’ve struggled with my own thoughts around gender. Was it purely just toxic masculinity that I struggle with? Do I truly even self-identify as masculine? I’ve come to the conclusion it’s a bit of both, and I don’t need to get super exact about it.9 I’ve personally settled on the idea of at least some part of me and my identity is non-binary.10 Part of the reason I’m using N.J. in my posts recently rather than the Nehemiah I was given at birth.11

I don’t want this post to just be trite leftist talking points. But I would like to say that gender is more than just how you dress, what genitals you were born with, and how you look. I’d also like to add that gender does not equal sexuality. Something that floored me and forced me to reconsider who I was. Conversations should be happing around gender and gender identity without needing any discussion of sex or sexuality.

However, I can clearly see that my father has wholeheartedly embraced right wing conspiratorial talking points. Especially the idea that it’s satanic and wicked to even consider talking about gender with your kids. And the concept that anything outside of gender stereotypes is unnatural. A kid (AMAB) wearing nail polish or the color pink is outside of god’s ideas for how this child is to express their gender. An AFAB child must wear dresses, sit calmly,12 and keep their hair long in order to keep this god endorsed stereotype alive and well.

Conspiracies also add to this delusion as well. Satanic democrats are here to “invert” your child’s gender as a ritual to their god satan.13 Leftists are taking over your schools and libraries forcing your children to read and watch porn.14 Or the Q anon version my mom tells that Vatican and social elites are kidnapping children with the intention of harvesting the child’s adrenochrome in sexual satanic rituals.15 16

Instead of inventing enemies that are behind every corner, my father could have stopped and had conversations with the people around him.17 Maybe even stopping to see how these ideas about toxic masculinity have harmed him. Forcing him to ignore his own emotions and his own mental health. And maybe he could have had a little sympathy for the ones harmed by the teachings he perpetuated. Admitting how careless and abrasive his words were.18

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I’ve really struggled with the concept of “coming out.” I’m in a relationship that from all outside perception is heterosexual, and my gender is an internal thing. One that really doesn’t cause dysphoria for me. If anything, I’m pretty ambivalent about my own gender. In the past I’ve also felt like stories like my own take away from queer individuals who were abused by their family (or the church) due to their gender or sexuality. But I’m trying to push back mentally that I do matter, and my own story and mentality matter. And harm or abuse can look different for many individuals.