CW for discussion of childhood abuse

I’m choosing to skip out on winter / fall holiday celebrations with my family this year. My last visit with them was a bit emotionally stressful and highlighted some long-term family problems. Some of those problems center around my dad and how he chose to treat me and my siblings as children.

In the post I linked above I talked about how physical violence was a part of my life as a child. I struggle with calling it abuse, but at the very least it was not healthy. Nor did it help to develop close parent child relationships. I broke down and messaged my mother, that I had reached a point where I did not feel comfortable visiting. For several weeks she ignored my message, but recently she brought it up with my partner (testing her response). My partner directed my mom back towards me, and I chose to give my mom a call.

During that call, I spoke about how I felt uncomfortable around my dad. How his displays of anger and physical threats towards my nieces and nephews brought back years of poor memories of my father. It was bringing fear and anxiety into my life just being around my father. I told my mother that I don’t want my children to have the same relationship dynamic with their grandfather. I would rather them not have a relationship then to have a relationship centered around fear.

My mom deflected placing blame solely on my dad. Expressing multiple times that she could not control or influence him in any way. Fully believing that he would never change or differ as a person.

She also tried to place blame on my siblings for allowing my father to “parent” their children.¹ That my brother or sister should be stepping in to stop my father’s negative behavior towards their children. However, when I brought up the fact that indeed my brother had done just that when I visited² she brushed past it.

It’s hard to have deep conversations about broken family dynamics without at least partially discussing your childhood. Mom expressed wishes that I could have had a better relationship with my father. And vocalized he could have been a kinder man during my childhood.

A big problem I have with this is that mom pushed for a strict and authoritarian childhood just as much as my father did. She also had a say in what type of discipline occurred in the household. And at times she went well above what I would consider “appropriate” levels of force used for discipline.³ She could have spoken out against my father’s outbursts. He would often swat a child over the head if he felt like they were getting out of hand. At times using his knuckles to rap one of his children over the head.⁴ My mom witnessed that routinely. And during the conversation she even brought up grandpa (my father’s father) and dad using a hat to discipline us at random around the farm.⁵

She also worked hard to ensure my family used “biblical chastisement” as laid out by Gary Ezzo.⁶ I can recall about two or three times that my mom and dad went out together on dates, and we went out together as a family less than a handful of times. However, she and dad made time to find a babysitter to attend “Growing Kids God’s Way” courses. Why out of everything else in the world was that prioritized? Why was a child discipline course a higher priority than finding time for your family or marriage.

She also briefly brought up the fact that she felt she was tied to my father as soon as she had kids with him. Despite the verbal abusive that she dealt with and the improper physical discipline she felt could not leave. She’s also described my father as being incapable of empathy. Yet she stated she’s trying to teach my younger sisters not to repeat the same cycle.⁷ I could not stay silent. And I told her that she has taught theology and through her life that abuse is okay. Teaching all of her children that holiness is better than happiness. That god demands you submit to authority even if they are mistreating you. Her own marriage reflected that to us along with the Pearls, Piper, Dobson, and Ezzo’s teachings that were taught to us throughout our childhoods.

She ended the conversation there. We both agree to keep communication open, and to possibly discuss this again in the future.⁸ But for now I will remain here in Ohio and enjoy the holidays in peace. Shaking off the fear instilled in me as child.

Concluding thoughts

I fully understand my mother is also a victim in this situation. But she’s also furthering abuse towards her children (in the past) and towards her grandkids (in the present). And during this conversation I tried to bring up that fact multiple times.⁹ Each time it was deflected, and blame was placed towards my father or grandfather. My mother needs to acknowledge her own role (in furthering harm) and find a way forward. And until that happens, I don’t know how to have a close relationship with my mother.

I have had to face the own realization that I was furthering harmful cycles in my own family. Eventually I realized that nothing was going to change if I did not face my own compliancy in the problem. I know it’s possible to change, but you have to realize you were wrong and messed up. And you might even have to realize that you are causing harm to others with your actions.

My point is that I have a ton of sympathy for my mom here, but I will never excuse the fact that her actions in the past and present are causing harm. I know on a personal level that it’s possible to change. But that change will never come until she can admit her own actions are causing further harm.

1. The only parenting I observed was threats of violence if the child did not obey my father. ↩︎
2. Not that my father listened in any way. He just expressed angrily towards my brother that he (my father) was correct in his judgment and punishment. ↩︎
3. Suffice to say many hairbrushes, wooden spoons, and spatulas were broken in our household by my mother. (During the course of discipline). ↩︎
4. Perfect for making sure your children behave during mealtimes. /s ↩︎
5. Works perfectly to swat at young misbehaving children and pets. /s ↩︎
6. She was also the parent that bought Dobson’s parenting books. Ted Tripp. Etc. And tried to get my dad to read them. ↩︎
7. The sister that is closest in age to me is already in a difficult and possibly abusive relationship. With her husband openly cheating on her multiple times. ↩︎
8. I’m under no impression that this will ever happen. My family has a long history of ignoring major problems, and the only reason this conversation happened is because I pressed for it to happen. ↩︎
9. 9That she has the influence and relationship to push for healthier family dynamics.
   That she has the influence to help my sister away from her abusive husband.
   That she has the choice to leave or stay in an abusive relationship.
   That she has power to make sure her grandkids are not physically threatened by their grandfather. ↩︎