“Have you considered my servant Job?”

CW for Homophobia and use of slurs.

Recently my brother-in-law has been exploring their gender and while we knew conflict could possibly occur within the family due to it, we didn’t have a great idea of what that exactly would look like. Recently that tension as a whole has escalated. With my father-in-law threatening to, legality be damned, decree that his child can’t be trans under his employment. And my mother-in-law has made her stance abundantly clear. She will never acknowledge her child is trans.

Due to the simple fact that my spouse works for her father, this created a lot of tension. With my spouse eventually deciding that it was probably a good idea to leave her father’s employment. Before being asked to write or enforce an anti-trans HR policy. (She often writes HR policies for the company, and she is often tasked with HR related duties.)

One of the points that I am struggling with is that my mother-in-law compared herself to Job. Sitting and facing the trials in her life. AKA being asked to use her child’s preferred name and pronouns.

Job 1:8 “Then the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.’”

Job. That’s who you are comparing yourself to! A chosen righteous man facing the devil’s trials. This is the comparison you make when you are asked to be respectful towards your child? I’m still fuming about the comparison. How arrogant can a person be?

Me and my spouse spoke directly to her (MIL) about the whole situation. And it was extremely clear that she (MIL) has planted her flag in the ground, and she’s willing to burn in all down to do so. Listing a number of anti-trans conspiracies as evidence for why “transgender ideology” is a cult. It was nothing I haven’t heard before. “Schools are secretly turning your kids trans.” “Rapid onset gender dysphoria.” And a number of studies she claims provide evidence gender affirming care causes increased depression and suicide rates.

However, she was clearly unwilling to hear any conversation that would either contradict or oppose her statements. Like studies that show that gender affirming care can help trans individuals have better mental health outcomes.^{1 2 3} And while right wing news sources love to talk about “secrete conversion” to “trans ideology” by public school staff on unsuspecting children, I’d argue that there is very little support for anyone gender-nonconforming within most school districts. And queer kids often face harassment about their inability to follow their assigned gender roles.⁴ While some individual teachers might be queer or support queer students this is not guaranteed or the social norm.

I’m not sure what our relationship is now with my children’s grandparents. I want my kids to grow up with family that will support them if they ever decide to embrace a queer identity or marry an individual that doesn’t perfectly measure up to their grandparent’s standards. It also hurts on a personal level, hearing extensive derogatory rhetoric being slung about for what is a personal identify for myself as well. Hearing exactly in detail how one’s in laws feel about anyone that doesn’t properly perform their gender.

All of this conversation has also just dug up a lot of old hurts as well. My spouse’s family heavily manipulated us while we were in college and when my son was born. Demanding that they be allowed to dictate every aspect of our wedding (which we ended up allowing them). And how much access they had to our children (something we did eventually put our foot down about). It has also been mentioned by my mother-in-law how much she has sacrificed for her children. How much she has personally suffered for her daughter.

That blatant manipulation stings. I can forgive and let go. But to create a pattern of manipulation and derogatory language really makes it hard to see a future where we have a steady long-term relationship.

It’s also hard to just step back and look at the whole picture. Seeing that we’ve been able to find common ground or agree to disagree on many things. But the idea that their child is queer is the thing that my in laws will burn down their relationships and business for?

I know there are long histories as to how and why we are here. The denomination that my in laws are in has a long history of extreme anti-queer rhetoric. Some of the best-known preachers within the IFB still love to use slurs like “fagot” and “transvestites.”⁵ And sermons are routinely given about how “queer sodomites” are destroying the country. (Below are two statements that students of my alma mater are forced to sign on registration. Any openly queer students are immediately expelled from the college.)

Adopting a queer identity (gender or sexuality) is seen as an abomination (See above mention of how homosexuality is referenced as a “perversion.”) And it’s clear my spouse’s family refuses to let that belief go. Long years of sermons and teachings don’t just disappear overnight.

When I mentioned that other individuals of Christian faith have found ways to be gender affirming⁶ my MIL was visibly angry. And she stated she would stand between her child (they are in their mid 20s FYI) and anyone that would cause harm to them. (Please note that this is her stating that affirming theology causes active harm). While also implying that she would never accept or hear an argument for why someone could have a different biblical option regarding gender or sexuality.

Our discussion left with my MIL stating the premise that “gender ideology” is a religious cult causing great harm to society. (Isn’t that a whole mouthful.) My spouse was done and this point and we opted out of continuing the discussion. It was clear that we weren’t summoned for a good faith discussion, but we were instead there to listen to my MIL’s diatribe about how trans individuals and “gender ideology” are rapidly destroying society. Thanks, we’ll pass.

I hope her heavenly rewards are worth it. Because, like Job, she’s going to end up losing her children.

1. Association Between Gender-Affirming Surgeries and Mental Health Outcomes | Psychiatry and Behavioral Health | JAMA Surgery | JAMA Network ↩︎
2. What We Know | What does the scholarly research say about the effect of gender transition on transgender well-being? | What We Know ↩︎
3. Suicide Risk Reduces 73% in Transgender, Nonbinary Youths with Gender-Affirming Care | HCPLive ↩︎
4. Nex Benedict is a great example of this. Bullied and harassed by their peers. They committed suicide shortly after this very public incident. ↩︎
5. The Sodomite Strategy (Phil Kidd an IFB Preacher my spouse grew up routinely hearing.) Please note this sermon is wildly offensive, and I’m not trying to promote Phil Kidd. Just giving an example of how awful the rhetoric can be. ↩︎
6. Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians — Austen Hartke or Matthew Vines come to mind. ↩︎